...To See How Far I've Come.
I posted on my FaceBook page earlier this week a snippet of converstation I had with my ex that has stuck in my head for years. It was an ugly, vile attack on my worth a person. One that I didn't realize until recently had dug it's claws deep into my subconcious. He knew my weakness, what I was most sensitive about. It's time I broke it down...
"You will fail. You are a loser." - I had just told my spouse that I had signed a lease and was moving out of the house, taking the kids. I had never lived on my own before. I went from living with parents, to a dorm room, to a marriage at 19. The idea of trying to make it on my own was an extremely scary one. Sure I had a good job, a nice salary, supportative friends. But there were a lot of "grown-up" things I never had to concern myself with: legal documents, utilities, leases, etc. Even finally opening my own bank account had my palms sweating when I was sitting in front of the lady at the local bank.
"You are Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Old" Wow. He knew exactly where insert that dagger. He knew I struggled with my weight, that I was extremely sensitive about the topic. And Ugly? I always saw myself as the "funny friend", the ugly duckling that never got to turn into the Swan. At best, I consider myself average. What new guy is going to want a fat, ugly, stupid, old woman?? Which leads to the:
"Unloveable. Nobody will want you." There it was. If I left I would be unloved and alone. Would the risk of that actually being the truth outweigh my complete unhappiness and cause me to stay in a broken, miserable marriage? It's something that kept me up many nights.
"You will come crawling back." ::light-bulb moment::
No. I would not crawl back. Maybe in the deep recess of my mind and in my heart those cruel words might cling, to undermine me at different moments... but no, there was no way I'd ever give up the many hundreds of moments I've had of happiness since then. Maybe those moments aren't all compressed in one straight line, but they've been there. And I need to celebrate those more than I listen to ancient history.
I have come a long way. There's been joy and sadness in that journey... but it continues.