It's weird, I've gone out and done more new things in the last three months than I have in the last eighteen years. Keeping myself busy and rewarding myself (in big and in small ways) is helping combat the loneliness I still sometimes feel. Not that I miss the ex - in fact, the complete opposite. It just continues to be a struggle to manage my own internal expectations.
My friend and I had a conversation about happiness vs. joy. I'm trying to wrap my head around the differences between the two. I think both are important, but joy is something I'm going to have to find for myself. And it won't come in the form of a mani-pedi, a great deal on a Coach purse (although I did score two a few weeks ago!), or a guy.
This weekend I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago - flying up to visit my big sister and treating her to a weekend of fun. She's been one of the few people that has supported me unconditionally from the day I left home at 18. She never judged me, never offered so much as a "I-told-you-so", and always had a shoulder for me to lean on... The truth is, as a teenager, I didn't treat her the way I should have. I was wrapped up in popularity and boyfriends and she was the quiet, shy kid in the family. I'm blessed that she never held that against me.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sometimes a pedicure isn't enough of a treat...
But Bon Jovi in concert is... And re-learning to have fun is quite the experience!
Letting Go of the Anger
Just about every week, my ex manages to do something that makes me grind my teeth. It ranges from bugging me via text about something he should just *call* me about - to forgetting to pay car registration renewal and poor teenager is stuck with a fix-it ticket (Oh, and guess who will be paying for the tags? Yep - me).
What I've tried to remember to do when I feel that familar rush of loathing is to just "let go". Yes, I'll bitch and moan about it for a little bit, just to get it out of my system but holding on to it 1) doesn't change anything and 2) isn't healthy for me. There's power in refusing to let someone's action (or lack of action!!) determine your mood.
There's only one person who I can control, who has the ability to make me happy... I look at her every morning in the mirror.
What I've tried to remember to do when I feel that familar rush of loathing is to just "let go". Yes, I'll bitch and moan about it for a little bit, just to get it out of my system but holding on to it 1) doesn't change anything and 2) isn't healthy for me. There's power in refusing to let someone's action (or lack of action!!) determine your mood.
There's only one person who I can control, who has the ability to make me happy... I look at her every morning in the mirror.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Resetting Expectations
This is a new one for me... I tried so long to make the typical "marriage+kids+house+job" gig work that I'm struggling with learning to accept that my future (heck, my *NOW*) isn't going to be what I had originally planned or expected.
That doesn't necessarily make it bad, but I'm finding it harder than I anticipated. I guess letting go of some of my little-girl happy ending fairy tales is something that is going to take time. I hope I can be patient with the process and come to accept that a different path can bring just as much happiness as what I orginally thought I was signing up long ago. I'm lucky that I have some good friends who listen to me air my fears, my frustrations, and still manage to instill in me optimism in the future.
That doesn't necessarily make it bad, but I'm finding it harder than I anticipated. I guess letting go of some of my little-girl happy ending fairy tales is something that is going to take time. I hope I can be patient with the process and come to accept that a different path can bring just as much happiness as what I orginally thought I was signing up long ago. I'm lucky that I have some good friends who listen to me air my fears, my frustrations, and still manage to instill in me optimism in the future.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Pathetic, Self-Serving Survival Message for Valentine's Day
Right now, out there, the someone I'm looking for is looking for someone like me.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Monday, February 8, 2010
Does “what comes around” really “go around”?
I have been having a lot of discussions with friends lately about this particular topic. You can call it karma, fate, destiny, etc. but is it real? Or is everything just a series of random coincidences with no master plan involved? For me, what it boils down to is a matter of faith. Mine has been tested lately, but I have a hard time letting go of something I really believe in and I’m trying to determine whether is just pure stubbornness on my behalf, or if I just have a deeper well of faith than I give myself credit for. Am I naïve in thinking that if I do what is right, if I am a good person, if I try my best that things will work out? I have church-going friends and family who advise me in certain situations to “lift it up to the Lord”. I feel guilty doing that because I get discouraged when I don’t hear anything *back* and I give up. I envy people who can go to a quiet place and feel the presence of something powerful that can guide them. I’d settle for even a subtle nudge.