The Little Engine That Could....

Duckhorn Vineyards, Napa

Wonderful day up in Napa, wine tasting with my buddy A.

Another "I Wish I Was My Cat" Pic

Seriously? C'mon, I thought cats were supposed to be haughty and clever...

Road Trip - LA & Vegas

This year, a tech conference in Vegas coincided with dropping off my oldest son at college in the LA area, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone and drive to both.  Talk about road trip! I had a couple of things to look forward to, which made the long hours in the car worth it.  First: another opportunity for long chats with my son without the possibility of him escaping :) I know I joke about slowing down just long enough to kick him to the curb, but I will miss him and I know every semester brings him closer to a time when he probably won't be returning.  The emotions I felt driving away ran the gamut from happy to proud to sad to.... not quite sure yet. 

Second: My pal A had arranged for me to get a massage from a friend that is a massage therapist the night I got into LA.  Oh. My. God.  What a gift after a long drive! Total bliss and made the drive into Vegas the next day so much easier!

Third: Wingwomen!! Besides my techie-tech friends and acquaintances, two of my wingwomen were flying into Vegas to hang with me during the evening events.  Because there was a high (OK, *virtual* 100% probability) that I would be running into an ex and his girlfriend, I was immensely grateful for this show of support.  In the end, yes I did survive the run-in and was actually better off for it.

I think the main personal take-away from last week is not to shy away from uncomfortable situations and just believe that I'm strong enough to handle with dignity and grace, even if others aren't.

Looking Back Just Long Enough...

...To See How Far I've Come.

I posted on my FaceBook page earlier this week a snippet of converstation I had with my ex that has stuck in my head for years.  It was an ugly, vile attack on my worth a person.  One that I didn't realize until recently had dug it's claws deep into my subconcious. He knew my weakness, what I was most sensitive about. It's time I broke it down...

"You will fail. You are a loser." - I had just told my spouse that I had signed a lease and was moving out of the house, taking the kids.  I had never lived on my own before. I went from living with parents, to a dorm room, to a marriage at 19.  The idea of trying to make it on my own was an extremely scary one. Sure I had a good job, a nice salary, supportative friends.  But there were a lot of "grown-up" things I never had to concern myself with: legal documents, utilities, leases, etc.  Even finally opening my own bank account had my palms sweating when I was sitting in front of the lady at the local bank. 

"You are Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Old"  Wow. He knew exactly where insert that dagger.  He knew I struggled with my weight, that I was extremely sensitive about the topic.  And Ugly? I always saw myself as the "funny friend", the ugly duckling that never got to turn into the Swan. At best, I consider myself average. What new guy is going to want a fat, ugly, stupid, old woman?? Which leads to the:

"Unloveable. Nobody will want you."  There it was.  If I left I would be unloved and alone.  Would the risk of that actually being the truth outweigh my complete unhappiness and cause me to stay in a broken, miserable marriage? It's something that kept me up many nights. 

"You will come crawling back." ::light-bulb moment::

No. I would not crawl back. Maybe in the deep recess of my mind and in my heart those cruel words might cling, to undermine me at different moments... but no, there was no way I'd ever give up the many hundreds of moments I've had of happiness since then.  Maybe those moments aren't all compressed in one straight line, but they've been there.  And I need to celebrate those more than I listen to ancient history.

I have come a long way.  There's been joy and sadness in that journey... but it continues.

High School Reunion

Went to Vegas for my high school reunion and it was quite the adventure. (Disclaimer: I graduated from high school in Alaska, but *who* wants to go up there for a reunion when Sin City beckons and is more central/less expensive).

Was able to spend some precious time with my big brother, whom I haven't seen in person in over TWELVE years... and realized that sometimes people don't change as much as you expect them to! He's still a ball to be around and was great enough to pick up tickets for us to a Rush concert (awesome experience!) on Friday evening and then a Cirque de Soliel show Sunday evening.  Helped that despite being a novice gambler, Lady Luck was with him all weekend!

Being able to hang out with some good friends from way back when was a blast.  Even if ALL of them chickened out when it came time for tattoo.  All of them except for... yes, me.  Now, my mother had warned me about talking my brother into getting one, but since I already have a few, I wasn't under the same edict.  For a long time I've been contemplating new "ink" and with the help of an old friend (thanks Amy!) came up with a design that married the "techie-geek" side of me with my love of Vino.  I started with the symbol for chemical molecule Resveratrol that is found in red wine.  Part of the myth of the "French Paradox" is that the French live longer even though they indulge in good food and good wine.  Resveratrol is the compentent in red wine that *some* say contribute to that.  The artist weaved a grape vine behind the original art, and there you have it - right on my left shoulder.  I'm so happy with it!

Weekend ended all too soon, but my fellow alumni have all pledged not to wait 5 or 10 years before the next gathering and I'm totally on board with that!

Concert in the Park - SF

My friend A and I headed over to Stern Grove Park this weekend in San Francisco for a Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings concert. Weather was wonderful - we had expected low 70's with mixed clouds, but the sun shone bright all day and it was warm enough to have us search for shade under the trees on the hills. The tunes were awesome and I'm so glad A and has turned me on to Sharon Jones... what a whirlwind! What a voice! We had packed a great picnic lunch and paired with a bottle of wine it was such a pleasant afternoon. 

My Texas Twin was sorely missed: we plan on kidnapping her next time! :)